Seperation Anxiety and it is Breaking My Heart

I’m not even really sure what is wrong. 

We’ve been starting our days fine. The normal routine of things.  He’s been asking to take showers and dry his hair with the hairdryer every morning.  He is imitating me.  Even going so far as to pretend to use the curling iron. 

But when we get to school, he gets very quiet and very sad.  He puts on a brave face by looking down and hiding under his hat.  His eyes get wide and he fakes a smile.  He looks like he is going to erupt into tears at any second. 

He asks to go to the bathroom.  He cries there. 

He can’t tell me why he is sad. 

Is it a bully?
Is someone being mean to him?
Is he not feeling well?
Does he not like a teacher he is working with?
Is he just having some separation anxiety?
Is he upset because he is not in control?

I don’t know what the answer is.  No one seems to be able to get an answer out of him. 

But I can’t keep leaving him like this. 

It is breaking my heart.

And yet, once he gets on with his day, he is fine again. 

Something is going on.  I don’t like it. 

I’ve been dropping him off at various activities and schools since he was two.  Why now, in first grade is he having such problems?

And he knows it makes me sad.   He says he wants to do better.  We started a points chart to reinforce him. 

I don’t know if it will work.  We just need to move past this phase.  And hope that is there really is something wrong, he can tell me. 

Time Keeps on Ticking....

He is obsessed with calendars.
Obsessed.
He has my 2013 planner, a 2013-2014 planner I bought for him, my current 2014 planner (that he steals from my purse everyday), and a 2014 Mickey Mouse calendar on his bed.  He sleeps with them every night.

His favorite app on his iPad (next to google maps) is the calendar.  He can flip from year to year.  I glanced over and saw him all the way up to 6250. Ya know, the year six thousand two hundred fifty.  Right around the corner.

Recently he said, "January is going on a trip.  And January will be back in 2015."

He spent a morning with me at work a few weeks ago.  He grabbed my desk calendar and wrote in the days that were missing at the beginning and ending of each month to fill in the weeks (you know from the previous and upcoming months).  He filled the days in for each month.  I love that I can look at that everyday and see a part of him when I'm at work.

I wonder how he sees the calendar.  I wonder what it is about the calendar that bring him so much joy and comfort.

At least I'll never have to worry about knowing what day it is.  He'll always be sure to let me know.

The minute it turned February, he yelled with glee, "It's February!  Happy Valentine's Day, Mommy!"

He filled out Valentine's for his classmates today.  Writing their names in the "to" section and then his name in the "from" section.  He finished 19 for his classmates, and I didn't have to help once.

He is learning so much at school.  He is getting so tall.  He is becoming such a mischievous, independent, and a rambunctious little boy.

If only that calendar could go backwards sometimes.
I'll even take staying where it is for a bit longer too.
It all moves so fast sometimes.

Change is in the Air

Our little blog received a bit of love from blueridgeoutdoors.com.  And after realizing it had been since May since an updated post, I knew I was woefully behind.

But what to write about?

Our family seems to be in that in between time.  That time where you know change is going to happen soon.  You can see it coming from down the road.  There is nothing you can do to stop it.  You have to just wait and enjoy the ride.

I felt this when I was pregnant with Jonathan.  When we were getting ready for our big move to Wisconsin.  And now again.  This time.... Kindergarten.

Our son has been attending the same preschool since we have moved to this area.  He was 2 1/2 when he started.  He will be six at the end of this month.

We've been preparing for a while.  We had his IEP (Individualized Education Program) worked out with the school system in March.  We've meet teachers and educators at the school.  We talk about "big school" daily.  He knows the first day of school date.  He knows some friends that will also be there.

But he also thinks we will only be visiting Kindergarten, getting back into the blue car, and going to his current classroom at the preschool.

It is getting close to the time I need to write the official social story about "big school."

I've been purchasing the school supplies, noted off the cryptic list his school sends out. Yesterday, while at Target, everyone and their mother were in my way, down each aisle, while I tried frantically to figure out which pre-sharpened pencil brand I needed to purchase.  (Seriously, a family had three generations buying school supplies were in my way!)  I wanted to run in tears.

How can he be this big for school supplies already?  He is no longer a baby, toddler or tiny tot.  He is a school-ager.  He is tall.  He looks like a big boy, with his missing front tooth.  His clothes size no longer match his age, but rather are marked as small, medium or large.

And I worry.   I'll always worry.  It is the unknown that scares me the most.  Will be make friends?  Will other kids like him and be as patient with him as his preschool peers?  Will he be able to keep up to academic expectations?  Will he like school?  Will he like his teachers?  Will his teachers get him?  Will he always be so innocent and lovable and affectionate?

But I need to remember...this is not about me.  This is his journey.  I'm only there to gently guide.  It doesn't make it any easier, does it?

Big Boy walking our neighbor's dog.  What a good helper!

Marching into IEPs, Benefit Shows and General Play Time!

March has been busy, fun and overwhelming!
Here is a quick update on us.

THE KINDERGARTEN IEP

We had his Kindergarten IEP meeting. 
A dozen adults sitting around the table.  Half his current school therapists and teacher, the other half his next year therapists and (possible) teacher.  Plus Mike and I.
It was like an introduction... THIS IS JONATHAN.
They read his current report of how he is doing.  And then we assessed what support we could use for next year.

It went so well.  

Everyone seemed genuinely interested in helping him transition to "Big School."  We took notes on ways to help him over the summer.  We planned on what the first month of school will look like.  The teachers asked about current peers that knew him, to see if they were registered for Kindergarten yet and took notes.

It was not a fight.  It was a discussion.  It laid the ground work for our team for next year.

And I have hope and less anxiety about it.  At least for now.

BENEFIT SHOW

Jonathan and I leave for Cleveland in a few weeks for the big benefit show . 
And it has not only become a band reunion, but a FAMILY reunion.
My brother is coming from Nebraska.
My Aunt and cousins are coming from California.
My cousins are coming from Maryland.
Close friends are coming from Columbus, Wisconsin and Massachusetts.

There has been an unbelievable amount of support and excitement about this show.  And I am just floored, touched and a little overwhelmed.   

So I'm prepping now for the trip, even though it is a few weeks away.  I made my packing list, schedule the car to be checked, and am outlining Jonathan's book.

Cleveland or Bust!  I can't wait!!!

My Boys help me practice.  Farley Family Jam!

GENERAL PLAY TIME
So my buddy has been playing really well recently.  He is interested in Candyland (even though he cheats), Chutes and Ladders and Uno.  At school, we got a picture sent by the teacher of him building a car ramp with a friend.  And it was reported that they played together like that for 20 minutes.  I guess Jonathan had a hard time initiating the play, but the peer asked him, "Do you want to play with me?"  To which Jonathan replied, "Yes!"

Amazing.

Jonathan has also been going to a social skills class once a week with other kids on the Spectrum.  He has been pretty quiet the previous few weeks, but this last week he was calling the other kids by their first name and saying the scripted sentences that he leaned, "I had a fun time with you playing ball!" 

Amazing.

He continues to communicate with Mike and I more and more about what he is thinking.  Even if it comes out as small, three word sentences.
"No wash hair." 
"I go too?"
"It's Friday!  Last day of school!" - yes... my five year old has discovered the wonders of the weekend.

And he has been reading, reading, reading! 

My boy.  He amazes me!

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

My baby turned 5!  How did this happen so quickly? 5 years old!  I'm sad he is not a baby anymore and so proud at what a big boy he has become.

He has been excited about his birthday for a while now.  When we would go to Target, he would make a beeline for the cakes.  I would have to remind him when his birthday was and that is when we could have cake.  So every time, we would count down the months till his birthday.  When it turned August, he would say Happy Birthday to everything....Happy Birthday, Lightpole; Happy Birthday, Blue Car....you name it, it was their birthday.  And funny, they were all turning 5 years old when you asked him how old they were.  


We did not have a party for him this year.  As I explained last year, we thought a birthday party would be too much for him.  Too many expectations on him, and he would just not enjoy it. 

So this year, we did what he would like to do best.  RIDES!  And we had such a wonderful weekend together.

But first, CAKE!  His birthday fell on a Friday, and the school was having a family picnic to end the summer.  So I took the day off work, and brought him a cake to school.  Everyone sang "Happy Birthday" and he was so happy.  We had Dora and Diego on the cake this year.  He kept saying, "Happy Birthday, Dora!"  He tried blowing out the candles and was fine with everyone singing to him.  And he looooves cake.

"Happy Birthday to you!"

The wait is over.  I get my cake!

Then we came home to give him his present.  This year was the first time EVER he requested something for a gift.  He asked for "Pop Goes the Wiggles" DVD.  So we got it for him!  Again, VERY happy!

Just what I wanted!

We later went to the zoo to enjoy a carousel ride, train ride, and running around on the playground.  We even stopped for ice cream!

On the zoo train

Ice-a!  Creamy! 

Later we went to the neighborhood park.  And then we went out to eat at our favorite diner, and a place Jonathan knows well.  He had the chicken tenders and a cookie.

On Saturday, we went to the kid's amusement park near Madison.  One thing is for sure....this boy loves the thrill rides!  We rode the roller coaster, multiple times, the train, the mini-boats and so much more.  It was such a fun day. 

In line for the roller coaster

Let's ride!

Sunday, we went to the toy store for more gifts...a big boy bike!

He really amazes me at what a big boy he is now.  This morning, he turned to me and said, "Do you love Mommy?  Mommy and Jonathan."  That was his special way of saying he loves me.


Happy Birthday, Buddy.  You make me smile with your humor, your curiosity, and you just being you.  

Christmas, we've been waiting all year for you.

I feel like it began the day after we put away last year's holiday decor.

"Elmo Christmas!"  "Caillou Holiday Movie!"

We watched these beloved holiday movies in January, the heat of the July sun and now again in December.  The menorah was carried to school of WEEKS, and remains a prominent lovey to this day (currently sitting on my coffee table).  

The other day, we had a dusting of snow on the car, to which Jonathan exclaimed (per scripting from the Caillou movie,) "Snow!  It's Christmas time!"

That it is, Jonathan.  That it is.  And this year is the first year that I feel like he may have some semblance of "getting it."  He knows who Santa is.  He knows the Christmas tree.  He knows the dreidels, the menorah and the lights.  And recently, he's been talking about "Kwanzaa and the kinara."  Hey, I guess if we're celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah, we really shouldn't leave out Kwanzaa.

I'm thankful that we will be doing a low-key holiday season.  While we will miss our family and friends dearly, I'm glad that, after this especially challenging year, our little Farley Family can hibernate and do the holidays on our own terms.  No expectations...almost just like we've been doing things all along.

Oh, I have to mention Jonathan's preschool holiday program.  It was HILARIOUS.  The kids had learned three holiday poems.  And I was warned that Jonathan would probably not recite them with the class.  I didn't think he would.  During the presentation, while the quiet, calm children lined up perfectly in a line, my little hell-ion ran back and forth like a crazy man behind them.  He was smiling and flapping and looking for Mike and me.  For those who don't know him, he probably looked like a kid that had too much sugar, in the vein of Stewart from MadTV ("Look what I can do!").  But to Mike and me, we knew the running, flapping, smile combo meant one thing...he was super happy.  And that made us super happy in return. 

When it was all over, and I was buckling him up in the car, he looked at me, and started reciting one of the poems, with hand movements and all.  He couldn't do the words exactly, because that is not how he hears it.  It came out "I sabba sabba snowball.  It sabba sabba sab."  But he did the vocal inflections perfectly, and I knew what he was doing.  So I had my own, private performance.  I think MY show was the best.

So while Jonathan might not understand the difference between naughty and nice, and while he might break his record of taking three hours to open gifts, I know he is excited and happy for the upcoming holidays.   

And now he's singing "Jingle Bells" and waving at the TV along with the Elmo movie. 
Happy Holidays to all. 

Small Victories

Jonathan's speech has been increasing by leaps and bounds.  And while it has mostly been the scripting of Caillou episodes ("I like apple pie!  I like apple jelly, on toast!" - his fav of the week), I feel like this week we've had some small victories in back and forth communication.  I'm not going to get overly excited, just pretty satisifed for a moment, which really, I can't ask for much more.

Here are some examples:
We were going to school, and the car was outside of the garage.  I opened the door to the garage and Jonathan peeked in.  He looked at me and said:
"Where is blue car? Blue Car!  Where are youuuuu?"

At school, his teacher reported they have been working with the kids on serving their own food and passing it to their friends at lunch.  She said she heard Jonathan say:
"Here, Landon.  Have some fruit."  "Here Mya, have some vegetables."
I WAS FLOORED!  Did he really acknowledge another child by name?!

His special ed teacher said she saw Jonathan go up to a kid who was visiably upset, look at him in the face to double-check his facial expression, and then touched him on the arm.  She felt it was a sign of Jonathan showing empathy.  Empathy?!?!  I have literally sat in front of Jonathan, crying my eyes out, and he would just look at me and laugh, or not react at all.  I will take empathy!

Jonathan also was really interested in a book that has pictures of other kids doing various facial expressions, each matching a letter of the Alphabet.  He carried the book around for 2 days, and contantly wanted me to label the faces the kids were making.  I brought it up to the therapists, and hope they jump on that interest.  Reading facial and social cues is something a lot of Autism kids have a hard time doing. 

Oh, and when I said good night to him last night, after I put up his baby gate (otherwise we would be running back and forth out of the room all night), Jonathan was upset I was leaving.  He then said, "I do not like this."  I did a double take on that one.  Oh, and he just ran into the room 2 seconds ago and knocked his hand on the wall.  He said "I am hurting."  This coming from the kid who had an in-grown toe nail and never made a peep.  (He is ok by the way.  I did stop writing and gave him kisses.)

Last but not least, we had some OK drop-off at school this week.  He would dawdle a bit, and would whine if I picked him up to get moving, but no real tantrum. Then on Friday....ahh, blessed Friday...he ran right into the room and started playing.  I even had to park in a different spot, and he was fine with that!!  No tantrums, no dawdle, no whining. Relief.  His teachers sent some cute pictures, and I have to share. 

 Looking at books.  My little book-worm

 Stamping my name

 Playing playdoh next to friends!

 When did he get so big?!

In the meantime, I'm going to keep celebrating the small victories, because I know the next challenge is around the corner.  It is like when you have a newborn, and you think you have a good sleep routine down, inevitably something changes, and you're back to square one.  I don't dread the return of square one.  I'm being realistic in knowing it will be back. But now, we're good.  We really are.